so call me childish call me what you will, but the death of my favorite little actor dude that grewwed up and became even hotter by the way, has really brought me back to… well. life.

he has so many similarities to matthew it’s quite frightening.

his dependencies on drugs and alcohol. his overly sexualized mentality.
his passion for music. his disire for an unconditional love. a family.

its disturbing. i wrote this down the other day after the first wave of anguish, having yet to shed a tear. this is the first thing i’ve written in a long… long time.

are you looking down on me from heaven with those soft and tender eyes

or are you gazing up from the cold black hell, grin and all

with a life left behind, too much to tell

i wonder what you think of me. if you even thought at all

or if you know your selfish acts would always end in death.

fuck it.

that was his mentality. have fun. at all costs. still genuine and sweet and loving. but ultimately you are what you are. he was a guy that liked to laugh and have fun because the reality of his pain was too much to bear.

i have always dreaded the day when i discovered matthew lying dead. i have never allowed myself to envision it. before now.

there will be no candle vidgle for him. how many countless others like him. perhaps we notice celebrities to relize more then just how crappy our meaningless lives are… perhaps we notice them because we are meant to learn from them. and their mistakes. but are we really learning? whats changed?

everyday things change. but basically they stay the same.

i want to study this more. this inherant need in children, infants, that lack their mother. and that connection with drug abuse and “fuck it” mentality.

reallly i know that what they feel as an emptiness for mom is really an emptiness for god. it took me many years to let God fill it rather then everything else, and i still don’t got that down. but at least im aware. sometimes it feels like im not. those are my maniced moments.

heres to tomorrow’s yesterday.

then i opened a tabloid last night and found out… Brad Renfro died too.

i was saddened altho tears have yet to come… brad was by far my childhood crush. perfect in every way. ironically i find myself in love with someone so similar to him, in personality and addictions.

RIP brad and heath.

Trivia: Bradley Barron RenfroAuditioned for the part of Gabriel Martin in The Patriot (2000), which later went to Heath Ledger.

I decided after snooping on my besties website to start a new blog. Its a beautiful rainy/cloudy day out so I thought I might try my hand in writing some more. Introspective therapy. Goings on in my life. Meant for me. That I may share with others should the time arrise.

So… My name is Jane and I am currently 23 years old. I have a strenuous love/hate relationship with my job and I am the first in my family to graduate with a college degree. Post graduation left me a longing for something more in life; I had worked dilligently all my life to complete my degree and once the day had come and gone, I was left with little drive or ambition. I do not have long term goals. I have things I hope and wish to do one day; but in the back of my mind know that they are nothing but pipe dreams. One of those things is to move out and away. It will never happen. Some may say why? Why dont you just pick up and go? Its your life. They don’t understand that its not my life. I have no mind of my own. I am a follower. A doer of what I am told.